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Public Library Article

Title: Ending disappointment with SM
David Ball © Spiritual Metamorphosis 2003

What is disappointment? Easy: "Our reaction to not meeting an expectation, or to not having an expectation met". But there is more to it than that. I have increasingly recognised disappointment in my life. And, as it came more and more into my consciousness I recognised it in more and more disguises, and hiding behind more and more excuses, and I came to realise that it has been an integral part of my life since early adolescence!

And so, as one does when these unconscious parts of us are recognised, I set about getting rid of it. I had done the hard part - recognising and acknowledging the disappointment in my life (both my disappointments and others disappointment in me) - by peeling away the excuses and recognising it for what it was.

Then the relatively easy parts followed - forgiving and healing it . And I figured that I had pretty well covered all the bases.

Only problem is that now, as the healing takes place and starts to show itself in my reality, I can see the insidious way that disappointment has woven its way into the fabric of my life. And the realisation that all disappointment, as a reaction to expectations not being met, is so much in my control. If I manage that expectation I can manage, or eliminate, the disappointment.

I also realised that if I had been honest about the expectations (mine and others in me) in the first place, there would have been no disappointment. This 'dishonesty' does not even have to be a conscious or deliberate thing.

Firstly, it can, and mostly does, come about as a result of the imbalance between my earth and sky polarities.

Basically, having been a very sky person, it has been very easy for me to set my expectations by referring to my natural optimism and capacity to dream. Without my earth input and balance, the sky me has dreamed wonderful dreams and seen the visions full of huge possibilities and enormous potential of those dreams. I then extrapolated glorious results and futures, based on little reality, and in fact little anything else really. And then of course I have been so very disappointed when those dreams didn't manifest! Whereas if I had asked my earth what it thought of those dreams at the time, it would have voiced a far more accurate (and therefore inherently more honest) outlook, and I would have either not had the expectation or at least toned it down and had it grounded it in something approximating reality.

So I can now see that by asking the question of my earth and sky, and having the dialogues, I will be able to set realistic expectations, and as a result slowly eliminate most, if not all, of my self-inflicted disappointments.

Secondly there is the disappointment caused by what I call the 'politeness factor'. This is disappointment caused by you, and to you, in the daily interactions with the myriad of people in your life. Partners, family, friends, work colleagues etc. This is the disappointment caused by the earth part of you , or the earth part of others , being polite instead of honest. Not saying the whole truth for fear of hurting, and not understanding that the resulting disappointment is going to hurt when the expectation is not met.

For example, you have been invited to a party on Friday night. Now you know in yourself that after a week at work you are utterly exhausted come Friday nights, and the very last thing you want to do is go out. You just want to get home, suck beer, shower, eat, and crash in front of the TV, The more mindless the content the better.

But instead of being honest and saying that there is no way known you are going to be at this party, you hear yourself saying:

"Thanks, I'll see how I go. I'll try and be there"

Now, we all know that whenever someone says "I'll try…" what they actually mean is "… and I know I am going to fail. I really don't want to do that."

And so you don't turn up, and your colleague or friend is disappointed that you didn't turn up. You have another bit of disappointment in your life.

Simple example I know, but there are so many other examples that I can think of, and it got me thinking about just how much disappointment I could eliminate by a) being totally honest with myself and others (not as easy as we would like to think!) and b) asking others to be totally honest with me.

So, getting rid of disappointment comes down to balancing my polarities, and eliminating dishonesty. Neither easy but neither impossible, and by working at it bit by bit, the result - a life free of disappointment, and filled instead with positive expectations - has to be worth it.